Relationship Issues

Last WI: 220.2/At Home WI: 218.8

TUESDAY

Yesterday was a very good day. I left work early and hit the gym. Unfortunately that didn't go as planned. I went to Target last week and bought some new running gear including a few new sports bras and a new runners top that is a fitted, racer top (don't know how else to describe it). I decided to try the new top yesterday. Usually I just run with a sports bra and t-shirt. Well, it was snug but not overly tight heading to the gym and all was going well until I started running. Walking was fine, but running made the darn thing ride up horribly. Now, I'm one of those people who are very curvy and when I lose weight I lose it everywhere. Similarly when I gain weight I gain it everywhere so my hips and busts are always bigger than my waist. Anyway, bottom line, my hips were too big and the shirt rode up to just below my boobs - not a pretty sight. I found myself running while holding my shirt down. Didn't work. So I walked, which didn't seem to disturb the situation quite so bad. I ended up walking about 1.5 miles, burning just over 200 calories and earning just 2 APs. I had planned and hoped for more, but it was something.

Technically Monday is supposed to be a rest day but since I didn't work out as planned on Friday or Sunday I was trying to do make up work. Oh well. Today is another day and it's back to the T-shirt - at least until the shirt is not quite so snug.

After the work out I made a very healthy dinner of chicken, whole wheat pasta and tomato's with basil and garlic. I don't cook often, but this was a great old standby from my original WW days. I also made some cooked broccoli for veggies. All in all dinner was only 9 points which left me with 6 points for the day not counting my 2 APs. I packed up and headed to the poker game.

And.....

ATE NOTHING. Oh yes. I decided before I got there that I would bring some diet coke and diet mountain dew to drink hoping to be able to avoid the beer but if there was snacks - like chips and salsa - I'd spend a few of my remaining points on them. Well, all they had was pizza from a local joint. Now, I've had this pizza before and it's ok, but not phenomenal and I've guesstimated the points at 5 per slice. I had 6 left for the day and just didn't feel like one slice would satisfy me and I'd end up eating too much. So I said no to that to, promising myself that if I wanted something when I got home, I could use my points there.

Poker lasted till midnight, I got home, chugged some water, and decided that a day under points would do me good! So I went to bed with 6 points and 2 APs to spare. Woo Hoo! This totally doesn't seem like such a big deal as I write it but for me it's a HUGE victory. I've had such a hard time staying in points that actually staying under is nearly inconceivable.

Today I've had my balance bar for breakfast (4pts) and am planning another low point day with 6-10 APs earned at the gym. I'm still sort of making up for the weekend and realistically need to see 217.6 or lower on my home scale Thursday morning to have any hope for a 2+ lb loss this week. I've got two days. And Erik's out of town so no distractions. Tonight's plan is to go to the gym, and have a healthy dinner - no going out!

So - all that WW stuff out of the way, I want to talk about some personal issues. Erik and I. I've been dating Erik for 2 years and 2 months now. When we started dating he had been separated from his now-ex-wife for about 7 months, though the divorce wasn't final until 6 months into our relationship (custody issues). He's also been married once before that, so he's been divorced twice. And has a 4 year old son. Not someone I would have initially thought I would ever date. But I met him through friends and didn't learn all the back story right away. And, it turns out, you can't always pick who you fall in love with.

Anyway, early on in our relationship I made it clear to him what I wanted eventually - a husband and children. Now Erik is definitely not one to talk about his feelings much or open up often, but on this issue I made things perfectly clear and made him be perfectly clear with me that he wanted those things too. I didn't want to get 2 years in and learn that he didn't want to get married again, or that he didn't want anymore kids. He assured me, repeatedly, that it wouldn't be an issues. He wanted the same things - but wanted to take things slowly. Well, I had no problem with that as I was not at all ready to have kids yet, so I could hold out on the getting married thing for a bit. So here we are 2+ years later and we're still not engaged. Now - my theory on couples is that no one should get in engaged in less than 1 year. Just my opinion, but I think you need to go through a year to really learn about a person. That said, I've always felt that if a relationship goes into 3 or more years with out an engagement, there's a problem.

Well, the good news is I know what our problem is - or at least I hope so. When I met Erik, as I said, he was going through a divorce. Unfortunately in that divorce there was a lot of debt that they, in all fairness, divided equally. But they had started a business together that failed, and in starting it had taken out additional mortgages and loans. So, coming out of the marriage Erik had a lot of debt. In early 2006, Erik's "friend" (I put it in quotes because I don't think he's a friend of Erik) Charlie, talked him into "investing" in a subdivision Charlie was building. Basically he got Erik to buy a lot of land relatively cheap and agree to build a new house, with the plans to sell it. Charlie convinced Erik that he could build this monstrous house for under 400K and then sell it for 500K plus. Now, Erik and I had been dating less than a year now and weren't even living together and I didn't have enough influence to persuade him that this "get rich quick scheme" was likely not all it was cracked up to be. Erik felt it was his opportunity to make enough to pay off the debt from his last marriage. I argued that it could easily make thing worse. I tried my best, but against all of my pleadings, he agreed to build the house. Erik has perfect credit and a really good job, so he had no problem getting another loan to build a new house - even though he had little to no equity in his current one.

Well, the new house was built and finished in August of 2006. Back in March of 2006 Erik had placed his old house on the market with the theory that perhaps we could live in the new house for 2 years to avoid taxes on a sale (another misunderstanding he had - you don't avoid taxes, you just roll over your profits to another house - but he again didn't listen to me). Anyway, the "old" house was put on the market initially at just under 300K. He has lived there since 1999 and bought it for under 200K but has refinanced it so many times he owes nearly 300K. Another disappointing fact.

So, 2006 came and went and no one made an acceptable offer on the "old" house. By this time, Erik was paying a mortgage on a 300K house and a 400K house. Now I said Erik has a "good" job. But not that good, by any means. He ended up taking out an additional 100K line of credit on the "new" house based upon an obscene appraisal and was paying mortgages out of borrowed money. So - the new house was put on the market as well with the theory that we've got to sell one or the other - ideally both.

Now, it's been nearly a year and neither house has sold. Eventually the money is going to run out. I'm not sure when, he keeps saying "oh a couple more months is all I got" but then a couple months go by and he's still pluggin along. Unfortunately, even bankruptcy is not a viable option right now because in his job he has a "secret" clearance because he works with the government a lot. He's convinced that if he files bankruptcy he'll lose his secret clearance and his job. So he's been applying for other jobs but so far that has gone the way of the house sales - no luck.

Anyway - back to our relationship. We've talked about marriage repeatedly and I've indicated that I think we've waited long enough. But it always comes back to the finances. He, understandably, doesn't want to propose until he's cash-flow positive. And I appreciate that. I frankly don't want to marry into all of that debt anyway, but I sure wish he would resolve it sooner rather than later. I don't know if there will be any good resolution right now, but I do know things are getting worse, not better.

So here I am, in a relationship with a great guy who has some major financial problems. He has promised me that, once we do get married, I am authorized to take over all the finances, as I am a bit more risk-averse than him and will, hopefully, do a better job for our future. But meanwhile, I'm in "limbo" and have no idea when I'm getting engaged. Frustrating to say the least.

Now, the good news is that I'm still not at all ready to get pregnant, though I would like to in the next 3-4 years. But in reality, I don't need to be married until we decide to have kids. That said, if we pass 3 years without a proposal, I'm going to be concerned there is more behind this than finances. Right now I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt. He assures me it's not commitment issues, or relationship issues, that he loves me and wants to have a family with me. But until there's a ring on my finger, I'm not sure I'll ever completely believe him.

Anyway he's out of town this week so it's got me thinking about us, and our future. I hope that he can resolve the finances, in some way - good or bad - soon. Problems like this don't go away - they just get worse.