Graduation!

216.8 (down a little bit more...)

FRIDAY

TGIF! I'm totally psyched about today. It started wonderfully at 5:00 am (believe it or not). Today was our last day of boot camp - for this session. We had our "post-test" and I totally improved a lot. Here's the stats:

Pre Test (May 9)
Push ups in 1 min: 0 regular, 18 facilitated (on knees)
Sit ups in 1 min: 25
Dips in 1 min: 19 regular (legs straight), 20 facilitated (legs bent)
1 mile run: 9:09 minutes

Post Test (Today)
Push ups in 1 min: 7 regular, 28 facilitated
Sit ups in 1 min: 32
Dips in 1 min: 20 regular, 30 facilitated
1 mile run: 8:34 minutes!

So, I shaved 35 seconds off my mile run, and added a whole bunch of strength. I'm lovin it! Especially since I haven't seen massive movement in the scale, which I know is due to my lack of commitment to the food plan. I'm hoping next month will be better on that front.

So now, we have our graduate party tonight. Our instructors are buying us each a drink (because supposedly we haven't drank all month. I doubt many stuck to it that religiously, though it would have been nice, I'm sure.)

But - before that I have a crazy day planned. I had made plans a month ago to see the Sex and the City premier with Holly and a couple other friends. She bought the tickets and we're going at the 10:45 showing tonight. Before that is the graduation party at 7:00 where I'll allow myself 2 drinks, since I'm driving to the movie.

Then earlier this week, I got an email from a young partner at my firm that she is organizing a "girls day out" with our female summer associates to go to the Sex and the City premier at 3:30 today. She wanted as many women attorneys as could to go and bond with our summers. So I asked Holly if she'd be totally pissed if I saw it early and then again with them. She completely understood. So I'm leaving work today at 3:00 to go see the movie. Then home to get ready for the party, then off to see it again. Crazy. but so fun.

I'm looking forward to this weekend. I think it'll be good for Erik & I. We've had a crazy month or so, and really haven't connected just the two of us much. Last weekend was Michigan trip, the weekend before that he had daniel, the weekend before that my mom was in town and the weekend before that I was in Panama City for bike-week. So this is our first weekend, just the two of us, in a long time. We need it. All is good, and I totally love this man, but I feel like we've not connected emotionally or physically very well in a while. I need me some Erik time.

So, our plans for the weekend - he's going with me to the graduation party, but not the movie (he doesn't get the SATC fascination). Tomorrow we're getting up early for a bonus workout for my boot camp (a recruiting measure b/w sessions). Then we're going to pick out tuxes and wedding bands. In the afternoon we're going to a high school graduation party for the son of a good friend of his. Then we might find somewhere to play poker together tomorrow night.

Sunday is church and working on the house. And probably work for me, since I have not accomplished much this week and have a project due Monday.

We have some plans, but I think it'll still be relaxing. Nice to be with just him and me.

Then Monday starts Boot Camp - Month 2. Another "pre-test" I'm sure, then off and running trying to improve even more. I'm excited!

151 Days.

217.4

TUESDAY

151 days till my wedding. Erik was so cute last night before we fell asleep he said "5 months". Which it was 5 months from yesterday. I'm so excited. It's funny how when I'm following my plan, and doing well I feel good about myself and my future.

Today is going according to plan. I had some left-overs for breakfast (~270 calories), chipotle for lunch (~850 calories) which puts me with ~450 calories left for the day to hit the top of my range on Sparkpeople. I'm good with that. I'm going to hit the treadmill when I get home again, though my knee is hurting so I might just do some power walking on incline instead of running after yesterday's kick-butt run. Then I think I'm going to have some pasta for dinner. According to Sparkpeople I'm high on protein & fats today and need more carbs. So carbs it is. I'm hoping to see the pretty 216. something tomorrow.

I feel so blessed. Erik & I had one of those unplanned bonding moments last night talking about various stuff. Basically we realized we have a really great life. Good friends, nice house, good jobs, and a great future. Why do we sometime forget how fortunate we are and get upset about the little stuff? I guess it's all perspective. If my biggest concern was getting food on the table or paying my rent I probably wouldn't get so made when I lost at a poker game, or didn't get a chance to go running. I'm fortunate to have the problems I have and that they are so minor.

Thank you lord for all that is good in my life and for the small challenges that make me try harder.

That's all for today. :-)

Alcohol is the Devil

Don't ask

Friday

So yesterday I was doing pretty good, getting work done, tracking points, etc. Then Erik and I decided to go to Y-knots for poker. And it was my turn to drink - his to drive. So all goodness went out the window. And it was a semi-drama night that ended well with strong resolve I think. So - some background:

Last Thursday night we also went to Y-knots where it was my turn to drive. So Erik drank. And drank. And got drunk. I'm not a big fan of drunk Erik, but he puts up with drunk me, so I know it's only fair to do the same. Except Thursday night, I was REALLY not a fan. I did well in the poker tournament and ended up getting to the final table. Erik went out earlier so he went to a different part of the bar to hang out with some other friends and shoot darts. I finally busted out of the poker game about 10:30 and went to find Erik. He was playing dollar a game darts with two guys we know. Ok. So I hung out for a bit and scratched off some lottery tickets with Dana when he finished up running the poker show. Then Dana left and it was about 11:15 and I was ready to go. I told Erik this and he wanted to play one more game. Ok. fine. But he wanted to play cricket. Oh hell no. If you know anything about darts, cricket is a game that can last forever, particularly with bad dart players like Erik and his also intoxicated friends.

So they agreed to a modified game of cricket that shouldn't last as long. So I so ok - I'll go play the mega touch for a while. The mega touch is in the same room as the darts but on the other side of the room. I played for a while and then looked back and didn't see Erik at the dart board. I was confused. I looked around the room and found him, and one of his buddies, talking to a table of girls we don't know. Ok, not a fan of that, but his friend is single, so I thought, hey - maybe Morgan's doing the flirting. So I watched. And it turns out they were trying to persuade this one girl to come over and play darts with them. They finally convinced her to and, to my great disappointment, it was Erik that was showing her how to shoot them. Like standing behind her showing her. Ok - so he wasn't REALLY doing anything wrong. But enough to irritate me. My plan was to try to stay a "fly on the wall" and see where this went, but unfortunately his other friend saw me watching and said something to the effect of "I'm glad I'm not going to be driving Erik home tonight..." Erik looked over saw, me and came over a bit later. By this point he was hammered so it was pointless to try to talk to him about it. It would turn into a fight that he wouldn't even remember. So I took him home and dropped it. I had meant to say something this last week, but I kept forgetting and never brought it up. Though I did talk to Holly about it (and I know she told Dana - one of Erik's good friends - Dana is a guy by the way). But it never got brought up to Erik.

So when did I bring it up? Well, last night. After about 4 beers. BRILLIANT! I brought it up at the bar, while Dana was there and the other friend who had been there last week (the one who called out he didn't want to be the one to drive Erik home). As I suspected Erik had no memory of the girl whatsoever. But the guys backed me up. He apologized and it sparked a conversation about how we really should cut back on drinking so much, particularly when one can drink and the other cannot.

The logic goes something like this - what do we really get out of it? Particularly on Thursday nights, the answer is an inflated bar tab and a hang over on Friday at work. Oh and we usually fight. Almost the only time Erik and I fight is when one of us is drunk and the other is not. So, I think we agreed that the Thursday night drunken trade-offs will stop. I hope we only now drink when we're both able to. We have a lot of fun together when we're both drinking, but when one is and the other is not - it results in arguments more often than not. I hope we stick to this.

So obviously I went way over in points yesterday and this mornings mini-hangover led to a drive through at Chick fil a, so not a good start. But I'm going to try to reign it in for the weekend.

2 1/2 Year Anniversary?

Last WI: 222.2/At Home WI: ????

FRIDAY

So I couldn't do it. I couldn't get on the scale this morning and see it creep up again. I've had a horrible week WW-wise and have been letting the scale creep way to rapidly. I keep doing really well reigning it in during the day and then I get home and kill it. Last night it was 5 beers and sun chips while playing wii with erik after a very mediocre dinner at his Kiwanis club holiday party. Boo. So not necessary to drink 5 beers while playing wii on a Thursday night. The only good news is that I actually had to "move" to play the wii. With the exception of guitar hero which I played for about an hour sitting down (darn devil on medium - can't beat him!) I have to actually stand and move to play all the other games. Erik and I did a lot of bowling, which I totally stomped him at. Not exactly aerobic exercise, but at least it's movement.

On a relationship note, last Sunday was our "two and a half year" anniversary. Odd anniversary to consider, but it actually had significance. In June, at our "two year" anniversary, I expressed my desire to Erik to be engaged in the next six months. I felt like we'd been together a long while and it was time. He has repeatedly expressed to me his desire to marry me, but he has financial issues right now that have been holding him back. Namely - he owns two houses he cannot sell and cannot afford to keep anymore. The first one we live in, and the other was built as a "flip" but hasn't "flipped" So now he's stuck with two expensive houses in a down market. After many months of debate and discussion, he finally agreed with my recommendation to just file bankruptcy and be done with it. He, like most men, have a lot of pride, and really wanted to find a way out. But after 18 months of having the houses on the market a borrowing more to make the payments, he's in over the point where there's any likelihood of getting out. Plus he's got some significant other debt from a failed business he had with his last wife. Over all, bankruptcy is a great solution. He gets to wipe it all clean, start fresh, and build a good life. He makes good money, and between the two of us, we'd be able to really save a lot if he didn't have all these debt obligations.

So anyway, all talks of marriage have been along the lines of "when I sell these houses". Well, we've finally determined he is not going to sell them. There just isn't that strong a market for 300K+ houses right now. So he's going to give them back. He's hired a lawyer, and he's set to file this month (at least that's the plan...hopefully it will happen). So, understandably, he's not bought me a ring yet, and last Sunday was the informal deadline I'd given him. About 6 weeks ago, when we met with the lawyer and made out the plan, in my mind I'd given him something of a furlough. I knew he wouldn't be able to afford a ring during the pending bankruptcy so I basically decided to give him another 6 months. It's all for the best, and I certainly didn't want to marry into all those financial issues anyway. So, I kinda forgot about Dec. 9th and a significant day.

So when he surprised me Sunday night with flowers and jewelry, he made me very happy. Erik is SOOOOOO not a romantic, emotional type guy. Probably one of the only major issues I have with him. He has a REALLY hard time expressing himself. But he did really well and basically totally surprised me. We had been playing wii and hanging out and I had just gotten ready for bed when he went down to the car and got the flowers and jewelry box. He told me that he really wants to marry me and when he can get the money he hopes buy me a an engagement ring I deserve. He gave me a very cute bracelet with dolphins and a ring with dolphins. On a sad note - my finger was too fat for the ring - surprise surprise. It's sad how weight even effects these special moments. He promised to get it sized and I hope he does. (he's a bit forgetful at times).

So anyway, I'm not engaged. I hope to be soon, but don't really see it happening till February at the earliest, probably April or May. But that's ok. As long as I know he's committed to me, there's no rush to get married since I'm not ready for kids yet.

So today I'm trying, once again, to reign in the eating. I've already eaten the lunch I brought, which is never a good sign. But I have 11 points left for the day. I also plan to hit the treadmill tonight. I haven't been on it since Monday - very bad with no excuse. No real plans for tonight. I'm probably going to be tempted to go out, but I should stay home. We'll see. This weekend it looks like I'll be stuck at work, at least one day, so that kinda sucks, but I'll deal.

Today my car is at the dealer getting its 30,000 mile service. I bought my dream car in February 2006 - a Lexus IS 250. But man is service expensive. This one's going to be close to $500 since it's a "big" one, whatever that means.

That's about it.

Ok, maybe now?

Last WI: 215.4/At Home WI: 218.8 (Ugh)

MONDAY

Ok, so I'm 30. THIRTY. Very depressing. I turned 30 on Friday and celebrated all weekend. Obviously not eating on program during all of that. Booo. Got to work this morning to find my ENTIRE office decorated in black balloons, streamers and "30" signs. Funny, but a little sad. I took friday off for the birthday and they decorated while I was gone. Oh well. It was sweet they were thinking of me.

So now I've got to get things together. My bridesmaid dress came in and I haven't tried it on yet. I'm scared. I'm down from when I originally ordered it, but not as much as I was. I totally need to get it together. A little over 1 month till the wedding!

Anyway, I've had a great week or so with birthday stuff, now I'm in my last week before I start my new job in Atlanta. Erik and I are going to Biloxi this weekend to celebrate. Oh - when will I get my butt in gear food-wise? I've got to just do it.

Babbling - nothing coherent - trying to refocus...

I will WI today!

Last WI: 214.6 (several weeks ago)/At Home WI: 216.0 (ugh).

THURSDAY

Ok, so it's my normal WI day. And I'm GOING. I AM GOING. So that was for my benefit. I said that last week and bailed. But today I've brought WI clothes. I had a big breakfast, and I'm going to face the music. Like so many people I hate to WI when I think I'll see a gain. I know I'll see a gain now since it's been like 3 weeks, but it's time to recommit and the only way to do that is to jump back on the wagon. 100%. So here I go.

I did make it to the gym on Monday, but I haven't since. Boo. I only did 1.5 miles. I was struggling a bit because of asthma - haven't been on top of my medicine lately. I figured I'd start small and come back Tuesday and do a bit more. Well, best laid plans. I totally slacked Tuesday and yesterday. Booo. But, I can only look forward. I will run tomorrow, Saturday and Sunday. That's the plan.

Other than that things are going ok. I'm excited about the new job and am making plans accordingly. Life at home is a little stressful. I'm not sure how much I've written about it, but Erik, my boyfriend, owns 2 houses right now and both are on the market. Well, as most people know the market is struggling a lot lately so he hasn't been able to sell either of them. It's made for some difficult conversations about finances, and our future. He's not willing to propose (understandably) until he's cash-flow positive. I sometimes feel like he's not doing enough to solve the problem, which in turn makes me feel like I'm not a priority since our future is on hold because of this problem. But we've been trying to work through it.

Well, Monday a couple came by that wanted to look at the house we're living in. They really liked it an are talking to Erik about a lease purchase. I don't know if it's going to work out or not, but if it does, we would be moving by the end of the month into the other house. Getting this house under a lease-purchase contract would be great for our future, he would feel comfortable proposing, but it doesn't solve the problem completely, as we still have another house, and the lease purchase could always fall through.

Today I got in touch with an acquaintance that is a financial planner that is willing to look over both our finances to see what we can do to work toward a life together. My salary will increase substantially with this new job and I just want to make sure we're doing the right thing as far as what to pay off - where to invest, etc. Fortunately Erik's willing to participate, so hopefully this will ease some of the tension.

Work is busy too - we have trials starting on Monday and right now I'm preparing to try two different child molestation cases. I had thought they would both plea, but it's not looking good. I've got to be ready for trial.

Anyway - busy busy. But I've got to find time to get back on the wagon health-wise. I can do it, I just have to commit!

Relationship Issues

Last WI: 220.2/At Home WI: 218.8

TUESDAY

Yesterday was a very good day. I left work early and hit the gym. Unfortunately that didn't go as planned. I went to Target last week and bought some new running gear including a few new sports bras and a new runners top that is a fitted, racer top (don't know how else to describe it). I decided to try the new top yesterday. Usually I just run with a sports bra and t-shirt. Well, it was snug but not overly tight heading to the gym and all was going well until I started running. Walking was fine, but running made the darn thing ride up horribly. Now, I'm one of those people who are very curvy and when I lose weight I lose it everywhere. Similarly when I gain weight I gain it everywhere so my hips and busts are always bigger than my waist. Anyway, bottom line, my hips were too big and the shirt rode up to just below my boobs - not a pretty sight. I found myself running while holding my shirt down. Didn't work. So I walked, which didn't seem to disturb the situation quite so bad. I ended up walking about 1.5 miles, burning just over 200 calories and earning just 2 APs. I had planned and hoped for more, but it was something.

Technically Monday is supposed to be a rest day but since I didn't work out as planned on Friday or Sunday I was trying to do make up work. Oh well. Today is another day and it's back to the T-shirt - at least until the shirt is not quite so snug.

After the work out I made a very healthy dinner of chicken, whole wheat pasta and tomato's with basil and garlic. I don't cook often, but this was a great old standby from my original WW days. I also made some cooked broccoli for veggies. All in all dinner was only 9 points which left me with 6 points for the day not counting my 2 APs. I packed up and headed to the poker game.

And.....

ATE NOTHING. Oh yes. I decided before I got there that I would bring some diet coke and diet mountain dew to drink hoping to be able to avoid the beer but if there was snacks - like chips and salsa - I'd spend a few of my remaining points on them. Well, all they had was pizza from a local joint. Now, I've had this pizza before and it's ok, but not phenomenal and I've guesstimated the points at 5 per slice. I had 6 left for the day and just didn't feel like one slice would satisfy me and I'd end up eating too much. So I said no to that to, promising myself that if I wanted something when I got home, I could use my points there.

Poker lasted till midnight, I got home, chugged some water, and decided that a day under points would do me good! So I went to bed with 6 points and 2 APs to spare. Woo Hoo! This totally doesn't seem like such a big deal as I write it but for me it's a HUGE victory. I've had such a hard time staying in points that actually staying under is nearly inconceivable.

Today I've had my balance bar for breakfast (4pts) and am planning another low point day with 6-10 APs earned at the gym. I'm still sort of making up for the weekend and realistically need to see 217.6 or lower on my home scale Thursday morning to have any hope for a 2+ lb loss this week. I've got two days. And Erik's out of town so no distractions. Tonight's plan is to go to the gym, and have a healthy dinner - no going out!

So - all that WW stuff out of the way, I want to talk about some personal issues. Erik and I. I've been dating Erik for 2 years and 2 months now. When we started dating he had been separated from his now-ex-wife for about 7 months, though the divorce wasn't final until 6 months into our relationship (custody issues). He's also been married once before that, so he's been divorced twice. And has a 4 year old son. Not someone I would have initially thought I would ever date. But I met him through friends and didn't learn all the back story right away. And, it turns out, you can't always pick who you fall in love with.

Anyway, early on in our relationship I made it clear to him what I wanted eventually - a husband and children. Now Erik is definitely not one to talk about his feelings much or open up often, but on this issue I made things perfectly clear and made him be perfectly clear with me that he wanted those things too. I didn't want to get 2 years in and learn that he didn't want to get married again, or that he didn't want anymore kids. He assured me, repeatedly, that it wouldn't be an issues. He wanted the same things - but wanted to take things slowly. Well, I had no problem with that as I was not at all ready to have kids yet, so I could hold out on the getting married thing for a bit. So here we are 2+ years later and we're still not engaged. Now - my theory on couples is that no one should get in engaged in less than 1 year. Just my opinion, but I think you need to go through a year to really learn about a person. That said, I've always felt that if a relationship goes into 3 or more years with out an engagement, there's a problem.

Well, the good news is I know what our problem is - or at least I hope so. When I met Erik, as I said, he was going through a divorce. Unfortunately in that divorce there was a lot of debt that they, in all fairness, divided equally. But they had started a business together that failed, and in starting it had taken out additional mortgages and loans. So, coming out of the marriage Erik had a lot of debt. In early 2006, Erik's "friend" (I put it in quotes because I don't think he's a friend of Erik) Charlie, talked him into "investing" in a subdivision Charlie was building. Basically he got Erik to buy a lot of land relatively cheap and agree to build a new house, with the plans to sell it. Charlie convinced Erik that he could build this monstrous house for under 400K and then sell it for 500K plus. Now, Erik and I had been dating less than a year now and weren't even living together and I didn't have enough influence to persuade him that this "get rich quick scheme" was likely not all it was cracked up to be. Erik felt it was his opportunity to make enough to pay off the debt from his last marriage. I argued that it could easily make thing worse. I tried my best, but against all of my pleadings, he agreed to build the house. Erik has perfect credit and a really good job, so he had no problem getting another loan to build a new house - even though he had little to no equity in his current one.

Well, the new house was built and finished in August of 2006. Back in March of 2006 Erik had placed his old house on the market with the theory that perhaps we could live in the new house for 2 years to avoid taxes on a sale (another misunderstanding he had - you don't avoid taxes, you just roll over your profits to another house - but he again didn't listen to me). Anyway, the "old" house was put on the market initially at just under 300K. He has lived there since 1999 and bought it for under 200K but has refinanced it so many times he owes nearly 300K. Another disappointing fact.

So, 2006 came and went and no one made an acceptable offer on the "old" house. By this time, Erik was paying a mortgage on a 300K house and a 400K house. Now I said Erik has a "good" job. But not that good, by any means. He ended up taking out an additional 100K line of credit on the "new" house based upon an obscene appraisal and was paying mortgages out of borrowed money. So - the new house was put on the market as well with the theory that we've got to sell one or the other - ideally both.

Now, it's been nearly a year and neither house has sold. Eventually the money is going to run out. I'm not sure when, he keeps saying "oh a couple more months is all I got" but then a couple months go by and he's still pluggin along. Unfortunately, even bankruptcy is not a viable option right now because in his job he has a "secret" clearance because he works with the government a lot. He's convinced that if he files bankruptcy he'll lose his secret clearance and his job. So he's been applying for other jobs but so far that has gone the way of the house sales - no luck.

Anyway - back to our relationship. We've talked about marriage repeatedly and I've indicated that I think we've waited long enough. But it always comes back to the finances. He, understandably, doesn't want to propose until he's cash-flow positive. And I appreciate that. I frankly don't want to marry into all of that debt anyway, but I sure wish he would resolve it sooner rather than later. I don't know if there will be any good resolution right now, but I do know things are getting worse, not better.

So here I am, in a relationship with a great guy who has some major financial problems. He has promised me that, once we do get married, I am authorized to take over all the finances, as I am a bit more risk-averse than him and will, hopefully, do a better job for our future. But meanwhile, I'm in "limbo" and have no idea when I'm getting engaged. Frustrating to say the least.

Now, the good news is that I'm still not at all ready to get pregnant, though I would like to in the next 3-4 years. But in reality, I don't need to be married until we decide to have kids. That said, if we pass 3 years without a proposal, I'm going to be concerned there is more behind this than finances. Right now I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt. He assures me it's not commitment issues, or relationship issues, that he loves me and wants to have a family with me. But until there's a ring on my finger, I'm not sure I'll ever completely believe him.

Anyway he's out of town this week so it's got me thinking about us, and our future. I hope that he can resolve the finances, in some way - good or bad - soon. Problems like this don't go away - they just get worse.