Permission to Fail

At home weight: 215.4/Last WI: 217

WEDNESDAY

Last night was another good night WW-wise and willpower wise. I got home from work about 5:30 - once again could NOT get motivated immediately to go to the gym but had planned to do so later that evening after Erik got home. Well, he got home about 6:30. He had a Kiwanis meeting that night so I fully planned for us to stay home, veg and hopefully get the motivation to go to the gym. But - when Erik gets home he says he wants to skip out early from his meeting and go play poker again. So we did. I have no ability to say no to that man. :-)

We went out to Chaps again (same as last Tuesday). And AGAIN I did not drink. (yeah!) This time, I was going to forgo the prime rib sandwich (my favorite) and try to get something healthier. I ordered the salmon dinner that came with mashed potatoes and veggies and a salad. I counted the salad as 2 pts (a little dressing and shredded cheese) the veggies as 2 (would be 0 but for the oil I didn't know it came in) the mashed potatos as 2 (had about half the serving) and the salmon as 9. 9 points for salmon? I didn't know it was that bad, but when I got home I checked it out on E-tools. It said one "fillet" was 9 pts. I thought - ok so maybe a fillet is a lot. So I estimated the oz. The entree came with two pieces I would estimate to be between 4-5 oz each. I ate 1 and 1/2 pieces. So I'm guessing about 7 oz. When I plugged 7 oz of salmon into e-tools, I got 8.5 pts. GRRRR. Ok - so I counted it as 9. Put me over by a little for the day, but I'm sure it's still healthier than having a burger, right?

Erik drank again (as I was DD since I'm so OP!) but didn't go as overboard as last week. We had a good time, even though neither of us made the final table of the poker tournament. Got home at about 10:00 and watched recorded Idol and totally passed when he popped popcorn and offered to share.

So this morning's weight is exactly what I was at last Thursday before WI. Now I've got one more day to get it lower. So - I'm really trying today. I had 5 pts for breakfasts (balance bar) and 8 pts for lunch (Cambell's Chunky Soup, Wow chips, and a snack of popcorn). That leaves me 15 pts for tonight. I know we're supposed to, but I'm going to try not to eat them all. I'm going to shoot for only 9 pts at dinner and going to the gym. Basically a "super low day" a la Wendie Plan. :-)

I REALLY want to WI tomorrow at 215.4 or lower. I want my 1.5lbs/ week. I was so bad on Thursday and Friday last week, but really have been totally OP since. I've gone a little over my target points a couple times this week, but not counting friday have only used 12 WPA. That's good for me. It's the exercise that I've sucked at. I haven't done any since last Wednesday. So - today I'm going to the gym (not fooling myself about running in the neighborhood) and trying to get 5+ AP.

On other matters, things are going well. We had arraignments today. Basically, the Defendants on our trial calendar are paraded through and plead not guilty. Pretty routine, but I did have to wear a suit. :-) I got to wear a new shirt today though b/c I went shopping yesterday. I know it's so ghetto, but I totally went clothes shopping at Wal-Mart yesterday. I usually don't buy clothes there, but I'm totally determined to do this WW thing this time and don't want to spend a lot of money on clothes this time. So I spent $150 at walmart, but got like 10 blouses/shirts, etc.

Tonight is definitely a night in. Erik has his 4 yr old son for the night so no risk of last minute plans. If I can just follow through with my plan to go to the gym, all will be good!

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UPDATE (Later on Wednesday)

I DID IT! I went to the gym finally. I've decided to that the key to success with this weight loss journey is to give myself permission to fail. I'm one of those people that want to be the best at what I do. Always. I hate failing, and hate not doing something really well. The first time I did WW, I totally kicked butt. Of course I had days off program, but I basically lost just about every week. I hit goal - losing almost 50 lbs after just 6 months. I've tried repeatedly to get back there after a few years off and gaining but I've been unable to. I think part of the reason I've been unable to get back down to goal is because I'm demanding that same success that I had the first time. When I don't get it I give up.

So - I've lowered my standards. I know that sounds horrible, but I think it's what's best. How does this all tie to the fact that I went to the gym? Well that's one area I've given myself permssion to fail. For the longest time I though that if I wanted to call myself a "runner" I couldn't walk. Walking was "failure". So, when I go to the gym and can't run like I used to, or just have a bad day, I consider it a "failure" and quit early. Today, I didn't want to go to the gym (like every day!) but I decided I'd go and just do what I could. I got on the treadmill, hoping to RUN 6 miles. I run about 10 minute miles, a little slower right now, so I can usually just about 6 miles in 60 minutes. Well, not surprisingly, after abut 1.5 miles, I had a horrible stomache cramp. I think I drank too much water prepping for the run. I had to stop and walk a bit. So - I forgave myself and allowed my self to walk ("fail"). I decided I was going to do my 60 minutes and just do the best I could. I walked a bit, ran a bit, walked a bit, etc. until I finished the 60 minutes. I ended up doing 4.5 miles in 60 minutes. Not the 6 miles I'd hoped for, but I did finish and burned ~ 700 calories. Not bad at all. Usually I run as far as I can - about 3 miles usually - and then quit. That's about a 30 minute workout, burning ~ 500 calories. So, by allowing myself to "fail" I actually got more out of it.

I take this attitude toward journalling as well. Before, if I had an "off" program day, I wouldn't journal. If I went out and got drunk, I wouldn't even try to estimate the points. So - I've decided that it doesn't matter if I "fail" in the sense of staying OP every day. It's more important that I get it down on paper. By journalling, my "failure" doesn't last as long. I see the damage I've done and I get back on track faster. So, now when I have an off day, it still goes in the book. For instance, on Friday we had the party. I had to do a LOT of estimating because I got pretty drunk that night. My estimates are probably not exactly accurate and the picture was prettu ugly (33 pts over for the day!) but it's in the book. And it made my really focus the rest of this week.

So - tonight I made it to the gym. After that I came home and ate all but 3 of my remaining points for the day. I'm not sure if I'll use them tonight on popcorn/snacks, but I'm still happy with today. I'm definitely not eating any of my AP.

Overall a good day. If by some fluky craziness, I don't lose tomorrow, I'm still happy with this week. Also - this weekend looks good. Erik has his son (Daniel) so we have a 4 year old in the house all weekend. I'm hoping I'll just decide to stay home all weekend, get some exercise, and some quality time with Erik and Daniel. That'll keep me good. I expect to splurge a little bit tomorrow night, but I'm going to try not to go too crazy, so as not to destroy all this week's progress.

Update on cruise goal - still on track! So long as I WI at 217.5 or lower (217.5 would be a gain) I'm on track for my 1.5lbs/week to get to goal and below by cruise time in Dec. :-)

Personal Journal Challenge (one whole 12 journal book full of journaling every day): Day 13 of 84!

Prelims

At home weight: 216/Last WI 217

TUESDAY

Ok, so I had to be in Prelims today so I had to get up early. Prelims are Preliminary Hearings. They're held once a week at the jail with a magistrate judge. They usually last most of the morning, and basically we have to convice the judge that various people in jail are there for good reason. It's usually moderately interesting, good to get out of the office, and helpful to get to know our police officers. Today I learned a major lesson. I have one officer that any case he makes, I have GOT to plea. I mean he's an absolute moron. He testified today in two hearings and I'm surprised we didn't get them dismissed right there (something that very rarely occurs). He tells what happens by saying "this white male talked to another white male and referenced a black female and he said that he and her were going with them to the store.". Hello? Names would be helpful here to know who he and him an her and them are. It was like pulling teeth getting enough facts out for both myself, the defense attorney and the judge to have any idea what happened. Frustrating! Fortunately, most of his cases are going to be assigned to Gail, another attorney in the DA's office, due to the nature of the charges. But please tell me how he became and investigator? Sheesh!

On another note, I had a WONDERFUL night last night WW-food-wise. Not so much WW exercise wise as I was really going to go to the gym, and then I was just going to run at home, and then I just did nothing. :-( But - Monday's are are usual night to go out to Y-knots for beer and poker. I'm usually DD on Monday (Erik is DD on Thursday after my WI). But I still usually have a couple beers or some munchies or something. See the problem is that for the "free" poker game, you get 800 starting chips. But if you spend $10 or more at the bar, you get an additional 500 in chips. So - we usually try to spend some money b/c it makes a difference in your play. But last night Erik agreed to drink Gin (big sacrifice for him...lol) and order an appitizer to get us over the hump - or close to it. Knowing the bartenders and tiping well helps. SO - just diet coke for me! :-)

Today I want to desparately find the motivation to go to the gym or run outside. It's getting nice out and I LOVE summer so I'm excited.

Hoping for another OP day - wish me luck!

Personal journal challenge: 12/84 days journaling and counting!

First Week a Success! Can I Make It Two in a Row?

At home weight: 216.6/Last WI: 217 (yipee!)

MONDAY:

Well - I did WI on Thursday and was so excited to lose 3.4lbs! Now, that huge loss is tempered by the prior week's 6lb gain after a month off, BUT at least I lost over half of it in one week! I'm not going to delude myself into thinking that type of loss is going to continue, but I am going to shoot for a 1.5lbs loss this week.

Unfortunately, this weekend was not a great start in that department. Thursday after WI, I went out with DBF to Y-Knots - our common hang out for poker and party. It was his turn to drive, so I totally went overboard on the alcohol. I would guess I had 5-6 beers and 2-3 jager shots. But it was so fun.

Then came friday - we had this St. Patty's day party planned. I knew I was going to drink a lot, so I had a light lunch and dinner. Then of course the debauchery began. I'm estimating my drinking/munchies points at 40. Way overboard and unfortunately, that made 2 days in a row of indulgence. BUT - back on the wagon Saturday. I didn't drink at all on the actual St. Patty's day - funny huh? I'd agreed to deal a poker tournament/cash game for a friend, so I was pretty busy all day and ended up under on points by 1. I think that's ok though considering the prior two days. :-)

Yesterday was another day of poker - this time I was playing. I had a healthy lunch (sub) and we went to longhorn for dinner. I was pretty good, but couldn't pass up on the steak. I had one small slice of bread, a salad and an 11 oz strip steak w/veggies (no potato). So all in all, not bad. I ended up over about 9 pts over all yesterday after some snacks at night with a movie at home. Not bad though.

This morning's WI of 216 is actually good as I got as high as 219 at home on Saturday morning after my 2 days of partying. I'm planning on going to the gym today. My goal is a strick 28 point day and no eating of AP I earn! I can do this!

One Week Recommitted!

At home weight: 215.4 (yeah!)/Last WI 220.4

THURSDAY

Ok - so I survived my first week of recommitment! I WI (weigh in) this afternoon and I'm excited. I know I will have a loss, it just a question of how much. Now - a note on the above stats - My "at home weight" is always first thing in the morning, after I pee and before I get dressed - naked weight. I like to see the "lowest possible" and be consistent. So - there's no way my official WI at WW will be near that number b/c 1) it's in the afternoon and I'll have had breakfast and a lot of water, and 2) I have clothes on (duh!). BUT - I can hope that it will be only about 2lbs higher than the "at home weight" which would put me at a 3lb loss! That said, I'm happy with anything at or above a 1.5lbs loss. :-) I'll know soon!

Yesterday I was so good. I left work early for the dentist and some errands and was planning on going to the gym, but I was very tired and finishe everything around 3:00 so i had 2 hours before Erik got home with his son (has his son on Wednesdays) so I decided to take a nap and then work out. After the nap I really didn't feel like going to the gym, or doing anything exercise-wise. But I also kept thinking about how lazy I was being and basically made myself miserable with guilt. Finally I told myself that I can be guilty all night and not happy or just suck it up and go for a run outside (weather was beautiful again!) and then feel good. I selected option B. I sucked it up and went for a walk/run on my 3 mile route.

Again, I wasn't able to run the whole way. It took me 35:33 to go the 3 miles and I'm estimating running 23 minutes running and 12 minutes walking. So it's getting better. Part of the way I could get myself to go out and do the run though was to give myself permission to walk. I think part of my mental block on running outside is my disappointment on not being able to go as far. But, by giving myself permission to walk as much as I want, it got me out the door. Once moving, I end up running most of it to get it over with. Mental tricks - but they work.
After the run, I had a healthy egg sandwich and some green beans for dinner and then snacked on some ff chips and light dip in front of the tube.

Overall I had 31 points - plus the 5 AP from the run - it was a good day. :-)

As for other upates I'm worried about this weekend. We're having a big St. Pantty's day party tomorrow night. I'm in charge of green jello shots. :-) I'm making them tonight and I did buy the sugar free jello. :-)

But there will be lots of other alcohol consumed. I had planned to leave work at noon tomorrow to meet my friend who's house the party is at and finalize preparations, but I'm thinking about taking the whole day off to try to get up and exercise before all the debauchery. Then at least I don't feel AS guilty.

On a journaling note. I'm not sure if I've posted this yet, but I've made myself a challenge - I WILL journal for 12 weeks straight. Now. That's a HUGE challenge and I know I'm going to go off program at least once, probably multiple time b/w now and then. But the vow is to journal anyway - good bad or ugly. When I committed again last week, I bought a new 12 week journal. I'm going to try to get it completely filled. I'm trying to think up a really good reward if I do it b/c that would be an amazing feat. My experience is that if I'm journalling, I'm staying mostly if not completely OP. And if I had a bad day, if I journal it, it makes me atone for it the next day. Keeps me from falling too far astray for too long. So, today is day 7 of my 84 day challenge. I have a long way to go but it's a start. Thursday's are always going to be tough b/c after WI I like to let myself indulge a bit. I'm still going to let myself, but plan to write it all out afterwards.

Now, a note on my WI day ritual. Everyone seems to have one. Mine is this - wake up and weigh myself (as usual) put on my WI day pants and tank top (with a removeable sweater if it's cold). Go to chick fil a and have 2 breakfast items - a burrito and chicken minis - 2 burritos - something like that. A HUGE breakfast, but it has to tide me over till after WI at 5:00. Then I chug water and d. coke (my addiction) until 12:00 or 12:30. Then I quit and don't eat or drink anything else. Right before WI I go pee of course, then WI and cross my fingers (having shed everything but the bare essentials (no watch, ear rings, socks, belt, ponytail holder, etc.).
It's really pathetic the ritual, but we're supposed to be consistent, so I try to be. Of course, sometime the scale shocks me and I'm not sure why the results are so far off what I expected based upon that morning's weight, but usually it's within 1.5-2.5lbs of morning weight.

Hopefully today will be no different! It's time to fast until after WI.

Wish me luck!

Fun Night Out with Erik

At home morning weight: 217.8 (aggh)/Last WI 220.4

WEDNESDAY

So yesterday Erik's parents left and we decided to go out. I didn't make it to the gym like planned. I used my soreness from Monday's outside workout as an excuse. We went out to Chaps - a local restaurant for poker and food last night.

Here's the deal with poker. About 2 years ago, new friend of mine at the time, Holly, and I discovered that local bars around town were doing free poker certain nights a week. Well, we went out to one and had a great time. We were both single at the time, and found that these poker tournaments were chock full of single men. We were two of only like 6 or 8 women that played with any regularity. So, we started going 2-3 times/week, then it became even more frequent. We fell in love with the game, and our new friends. That's actually how I met Erik in the first place - so hey I will forever be thankful. Anyway, there's one company that puts on all the shows around town, so there are numerous games to choose from, at least one each night. I've also got into playing online and at casinos with some moderate success. I'm certainly not good enough to quit my job and go play poker for a living, but it is fun, and I enjoy it. So - you'll hear a lot about poker in this blog.

Anyway - last night's free game was at Chaps. Erik's been hosting his parents for a week (I have as well, but he saddled most of the entertaining responsibility) so I agreed to be the DD and allow him to do most of the drinking. I had 3 glasses of wine (over 3 hours) and a prime rib sandwich with a salad as my side. I counted the sandwich as 13 (maybe overestimating, but didn't want to cheat), the wine at 10 (they were more than 4oz glasses) and the salad at 4 (had some cheese and full fat dressing). The sorta funny thing is that Erik decided to do the "liquid" diet and not eat last night, just drink. He had 3 double gin & tonics. Now he usually has 2, but 3 isn't totally out of the ordinary. But boy did it hit him hard! He was blitzed. I got him in the car about 10:30 and for the first time, in a very long time, I had to pull over on the way home cause he got sick. Now - I'm not laughing at his misery, but he really should eat SOMETHING if he's going to go that overboard. lol. Oh well - this morning he joked about whether he was sober enough to drive to work, but in reality he's fine. He rebounds pretty good from crazy nights out.

So anyway, - I totalled out at 48 points yesterday where I'm supposed to be at 28. I had 11 flex points left, so I'm in the hole 7 pts. That's ok though b/c WI is Thursday and today needs to be a very low point day to make up for yesterday.

I'm going to definitely go to the gym today and hopefully can avoid eating my AP. It will be a strick 28 point day. I've had 5 so far for breakfast (balance bar). So 23 to go. :-)
I really hope that WI on Thursday will put me below 219. Then I'll be on track for my 1.5lbs/ week loss. Here's hoping.

Background on Running and Erik

TUESDAY

At home morning weight: 216.2/Last WI: 220.4

Well I did very well yesterday. I ran outside and stayed w/in my points. With regard to running, here's my story. I started running in law school around 2000. It took me almost 6 months to be able to run a mile comfortably, and then I slowly got up to being able to do 3 easily. After I made goal the first time, I felt invicible and my first year out of law school I trained for and ran a marathon in Nashville TN, April 2003. Since then my running has been up and down. I will do great for 6 months - working up to being able to do 5-6 miles easy then I'll take a few months off and slack. I've done a number of races, but after putting all this weight back on, my speed and dropped significantly. I still do running when I'm being good b/c it is truly the most efficient exercise. I burn more calories doing that per minute than anything else I've found. And I'm all about efficiency when it comes to exercise.

Well - the last 6 months have been my normal up and down with running. Last fall I thought about trying to train for the new Georgia marathon that happens this month in Atlanta, but I didn't really commit to it and eventually had to admit I wouldn't be trained for it. So, with periods of commitment and slacking, this winter has been typical. In the last month, I've been on the slack part of the cycle and just came back to running last week. On Wednesday last week I got on the treadmill at the gym and did 3 miles without too much trouble. I usually keep it at about 5.8- 6.0 when I'm coming back into training. I kicked it up at the last mile and finished the 3 in just under 30 minutes.

Here's my thing with running, and I'm somewhat unique in this aspect. I actually prefer to run on the treadmill. Even when I'm doing longer distanes like 6-10 miles. Most people are the exact opposite. They HATE the treadmill b/c it's "boring". For me, a sort of logical/analytical type person, I love having all of my stats right there staring me in the face. I can play lots of games like "run fast 2 minutes, jog 2 minutes" or increase hill grade 1% every 4 minutes, etc. This makes my workouts interesting and can help with speed and strength. The other reason I prefer the treadmill is that I seem to do so much better. Now I know some of the reason for this is that treadmills don't have wind resistance, you don't have to run in the sun, you have your water right there with you, and you have some "cushoning" when you run on good treadmills. All of that, however, can't seem to account for how BAD I do outside. For example, as I said last Wednesday I ran on the treadmill 3 miles in 30 minutes. It was a work out but didn't kill me. Yesterday the weather was lovely here so I decided to run outside for the first time since last fall. I had 3 miles clocked out and knew my route. I got about 1.2 miles in and had to take a walk break. I then ran/walked the rest of the way - probably walking 40% of it. Now on the treadmill I don't have to walk at all! WTF? Granted, where I live there are a lot of hills and although I pick the least hilly route I can find, there are still significant hills. That's a factor. But I just feel different outside. I'm not sure if it's psychological or not. I just don't get it. I ended up doing the 3 miles in about 38-39 minutes.

So I'm going to work on doing better outside. My quads are sore today so I know the hills were good for me. But it's going to take time I think. I LOVE that the weather is getting warmer and w/ day light savings time changing I have a lot more daylight after work to deal with.
So tonight - I'm going back to the gym, although they say it's supposed to be georgous today. I want to get in a good run b/c Erik and I are going out to dinner tonight.

Background on Erik - we started dating in June 2005. We had both relatively recently gotten out of other serious relationships - him a marriage, me an engagement. We hit it off right away and have been dating every since. We're three months shy of 2 years and are now talking a bit about marriage. We took it slow to be sure it wasn't rebound, but I think we're ready. We've lived together for a little over a year and things are great. We really don't fight very often and when we do one of us is usually drunk. :-)

Anyway, Erik has an adorable son who just turned 4 this past weekend. He shares custody with his ex-wife and gets him about 40% of the time. Erik's family is from Michigan and his parents came down for Daniel's 4th birthday party. It was great having them here, and it's wonderful for Daniel to be close to his grandparents. As with any company though - your plans are limited while they're in town. Erik and I didn't go out at all this weekend of course and in fact I haven't driving my car in over a week! (I drive a county car to work). Erik's parents left to go back to Michigan this morning, and he doesn't have Daniel tonight so we're going out to play poker and have a few drinks.

Thus why I need to get the good workout in. :-) I'm doing very well this week - my recommitment week. That's not at all unusual, but I certainly want to take advantage of this new motivation and see a good loss when I WI on Thursday.

Ok - I might have more to say but I'll do another post if necessary.

Recommitting...again.

MONDAY

At home morning weight: 215.6/Last WI: 220.4

Ok - so I'm a yo yo weight watcher. I admit it. I go through cycles and I'm really just trying to find a way to break it. As I said in my intro, I made lifetime in 2001. So I've DONE this. I've made it work before. Why can't I get back to that place. I've done all the things they've said - talk to your leader, try different foods, try different exercises. I just can't stay focused.

As par for the course - I broke from WW again. This time, however, I only took a month off, rather than 3-12 like before. I think part of that is just that I'm paying the "monthly" way so I get the little membership card in the mail and it reminds me I'm paying for something I'm not using. I'm cheap, so that doesn't fly.

Anyway. I'd been doing "ok" for a couple months - at least maintaining in my fluctuations, but I went to the casino again with my boyfriend and thought I'd gained when I came back, so didn't WI, course that just means you did gain and will gain again. I missed 4 weeks before last Thursday when I finally made myself face the music. Well the music sucked - I'd gained 6 lbs. I'm now down to a total loss of only 5.2 lbs since I started WW in July of last year. 8 months and 5lbs. Booo.

But I have to stay positive. I do know that had I not gone back it would only have gotten worse. So - here's my new theory. I'm going to *try* to blog more frequently. Get my thoughts out on paper and focus on what I need to do to get through this.
Also - I just booked my next incentive - a CRUISE. Now, I haven't been on a cruise since fall of 2004 with Chris (ex-fiance). I've been dying to go for a while and talked (or bullied, rather) Erik into going with me. So the cruise is December 1. That gives me 8 and 1/2 months. That's a long time. Ideally, I'd like to weigh 160 on the cruise. That's my ultimate goal (b/c that's what Erik weighs and I HATE weighing more than him). So - let's see 220-160 = 60 lbs. In 38 weeks. I need to average ~ 1.5lbs/week. Now - I said ideally. Realistically I'd be happy at 170 (167 being my lowest all time ever adult weight) for the cruise - so 220-170 = 50 lbs in 38 weeks or ~ 1.3lbs per week. Totally do able....IF I stay OP. That's the tough part. I can usually do 1 month or sometimes 2, but 8 consecutive OP weeks. Tough. I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to be able to wear a bikini then. I mean where else will you be able to wear a bikini in December?

Now - I also have another motivator. My birthday. Not just any birthday. My THIRTYIETH birthday. Boooooo. I'm so not looking forward to being 30! But - if all goes according to plan, I will be skinnier on my birthday.

Vast goals - huge plans - will I do it? I don't know. I know I'm supposed to say OF COURSE I WILL but I just can't muster it. All I can say is that I know I can do it, it's just whether I will. I know I want it, but do I want it bad enough. Time will tell.

On that note - plans for the day - work until about 4:00 or 4:30 - go to the gym after work, then come home. My friend Holly really wants me to go out with her tonight to play poker, but it's Erik's parent's last night in town and I should probably stay in and visit with them. I'll play it by ear. But at I will stay OP. I've used 20 points so far today for breakfast and lunch and snacks. (it's about 2:00 pm now) That leaves me 8 points for dinner + whatever I earn at the gym. I WILL stay w/in my points today.

Weigh in is Thursday. I weighed in last week at 220.4. In order to stay on track for the "cruise plan" I will have to lose at least 1.5 so I need to WI at 218.8 or lower. I believe that is entirely possible this week since it's my first week back committed. In fact I'm going to shoot for a 2+ lb loss this week, to help average out the tougher weeks down the road. *here's hoping*
Hope to blog again soon!