Permission to Fail

At home weight: 215.4/Last WI: 217

WEDNESDAY

Last night was another good night WW-wise and willpower wise. I got home from work about 5:30 - once again could NOT get motivated immediately to go to the gym but had planned to do so later that evening after Erik got home. Well, he got home about 6:30. He had a Kiwanis meeting that night so I fully planned for us to stay home, veg and hopefully get the motivation to go to the gym. But - when Erik gets home he says he wants to skip out early from his meeting and go play poker again. So we did. I have no ability to say no to that man. :-)

We went out to Chaps again (same as last Tuesday). And AGAIN I did not drink. (yeah!) This time, I was going to forgo the prime rib sandwich (my favorite) and try to get something healthier. I ordered the salmon dinner that came with mashed potatoes and veggies and a salad. I counted the salad as 2 pts (a little dressing and shredded cheese) the veggies as 2 (would be 0 but for the oil I didn't know it came in) the mashed potatos as 2 (had about half the serving) and the salmon as 9. 9 points for salmon? I didn't know it was that bad, but when I got home I checked it out on E-tools. It said one "fillet" was 9 pts. I thought - ok so maybe a fillet is a lot. So I estimated the oz. The entree came with two pieces I would estimate to be between 4-5 oz each. I ate 1 and 1/2 pieces. So I'm guessing about 7 oz. When I plugged 7 oz of salmon into e-tools, I got 8.5 pts. GRRRR. Ok - so I counted it as 9. Put me over by a little for the day, but I'm sure it's still healthier than having a burger, right?

Erik drank again (as I was DD since I'm so OP!) but didn't go as overboard as last week. We had a good time, even though neither of us made the final table of the poker tournament. Got home at about 10:00 and watched recorded Idol and totally passed when he popped popcorn and offered to share.

So this morning's weight is exactly what I was at last Thursday before WI. Now I've got one more day to get it lower. So - I'm really trying today. I had 5 pts for breakfasts (balance bar) and 8 pts for lunch (Cambell's Chunky Soup, Wow chips, and a snack of popcorn). That leaves me 15 pts for tonight. I know we're supposed to, but I'm going to try not to eat them all. I'm going to shoot for only 9 pts at dinner and going to the gym. Basically a "super low day" a la Wendie Plan. :-)

I REALLY want to WI tomorrow at 215.4 or lower. I want my 1.5lbs/ week. I was so bad on Thursday and Friday last week, but really have been totally OP since. I've gone a little over my target points a couple times this week, but not counting friday have only used 12 WPA. That's good for me. It's the exercise that I've sucked at. I haven't done any since last Wednesday. So - today I'm going to the gym (not fooling myself about running in the neighborhood) and trying to get 5+ AP.

On other matters, things are going well. We had arraignments today. Basically, the Defendants on our trial calendar are paraded through and plead not guilty. Pretty routine, but I did have to wear a suit. :-) I got to wear a new shirt today though b/c I went shopping yesterday. I know it's so ghetto, but I totally went clothes shopping at Wal-Mart yesterday. I usually don't buy clothes there, but I'm totally determined to do this WW thing this time and don't want to spend a lot of money on clothes this time. So I spent $150 at walmart, but got like 10 blouses/shirts, etc.

Tonight is definitely a night in. Erik has his 4 yr old son for the night so no risk of last minute plans. If I can just follow through with my plan to go to the gym, all will be good!

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UPDATE (Later on Wednesday)

I DID IT! I went to the gym finally. I've decided to that the key to success with this weight loss journey is to give myself permission to fail. I'm one of those people that want to be the best at what I do. Always. I hate failing, and hate not doing something really well. The first time I did WW, I totally kicked butt. Of course I had days off program, but I basically lost just about every week. I hit goal - losing almost 50 lbs after just 6 months. I've tried repeatedly to get back there after a few years off and gaining but I've been unable to. I think part of the reason I've been unable to get back down to goal is because I'm demanding that same success that I had the first time. When I don't get it I give up.

So - I've lowered my standards. I know that sounds horrible, but I think it's what's best. How does this all tie to the fact that I went to the gym? Well that's one area I've given myself permssion to fail. For the longest time I though that if I wanted to call myself a "runner" I couldn't walk. Walking was "failure". So, when I go to the gym and can't run like I used to, or just have a bad day, I consider it a "failure" and quit early. Today, I didn't want to go to the gym (like every day!) but I decided I'd go and just do what I could. I got on the treadmill, hoping to RUN 6 miles. I run about 10 minute miles, a little slower right now, so I can usually just about 6 miles in 60 minutes. Well, not surprisingly, after abut 1.5 miles, I had a horrible stomache cramp. I think I drank too much water prepping for the run. I had to stop and walk a bit. So - I forgave myself and allowed my self to walk ("fail"). I decided I was going to do my 60 minutes and just do the best I could. I walked a bit, ran a bit, walked a bit, etc. until I finished the 60 minutes. I ended up doing 4.5 miles in 60 minutes. Not the 6 miles I'd hoped for, but I did finish and burned ~ 700 calories. Not bad at all. Usually I run as far as I can - about 3 miles usually - and then quit. That's about a 30 minute workout, burning ~ 500 calories. So, by allowing myself to "fail" I actually got more out of it.

I take this attitude toward journalling as well. Before, if I had an "off" program day, I wouldn't journal. If I went out and got drunk, I wouldn't even try to estimate the points. So - I've decided that it doesn't matter if I "fail" in the sense of staying OP every day. It's more important that I get it down on paper. By journalling, my "failure" doesn't last as long. I see the damage I've done and I get back on track faster. So, now when I have an off day, it still goes in the book. For instance, on Friday we had the party. I had to do a LOT of estimating because I got pretty drunk that night. My estimates are probably not exactly accurate and the picture was prettu ugly (33 pts over for the day!) but it's in the book. And it made my really focus the rest of this week.

So - tonight I made it to the gym. After that I came home and ate all but 3 of my remaining points for the day. I'm not sure if I'll use them tonight on popcorn/snacks, but I'm still happy with today. I'm definitely not eating any of my AP.

Overall a good day. If by some fluky craziness, I don't lose tomorrow, I'm still happy with this week. Also - this weekend looks good. Erik has his son (Daniel) so we have a 4 year old in the house all weekend. I'm hoping I'll just decide to stay home all weekend, get some exercise, and some quality time with Erik and Daniel. That'll keep me good. I expect to splurge a little bit tomorrow night, but I'm going to try not to go too crazy, so as not to destroy all this week's progress.

Update on cruise goal - still on track! So long as I WI at 217.5 or lower (217.5 would be a gain) I'm on track for my 1.5lbs/week to get to goal and below by cruise time in Dec. :-)

Personal Journal Challenge (one whole 12 journal book full of journaling every day): Day 13 of 84!