Been away for a bit

No weights.

FRIDAY

Ok, I just don't feel like posting weights. Not happy with how things are going, and as expected, only myself to blame. I've not been horrible, but I've been "maintaining" since I had one good week after getting engaged. That's NOT going to get me into the wedding dress size I want.

I'm starting to think it's hopeless, that I'm destined to be around 220 for the rest of my life. Hopefully no more. It seems like my "efforts" only serve to keep me from gaining anymore, which certainly is a good thing, but I can't seem to stick to it for more than a day or two in a row. What gives?

I keep thinking back to those first few months on WW. I first started when I was an intern at a law firm between my 2nd and 3rd years in law school. I continued on through my first semester of my 3rd year, all the way to goal and lifetime. It took 6 months to go from 208 to 167. Now I'm at 220, and can't seem to MOVE. I don't know what's wrong. I've done all the things they say - recommit, do what you used to do, treat it like the first time, etc. But for whatever reason, I can't. I find excuses. Why was it so easy back then? Why was I able to make the "tough" choices every day, day in and day out?

Now that was in 2001, so I know my metabolism may have slowed a bit, turning 30 and all, but that really doesn't explain this. That's really just a cop out.

I don't have the answer. I feel like I've tried everything. Today is just a really tough day. I went shopping with Holly today at Dillards. They're having a big shoe sale and she wanted to go. While I was there, I walked through the misses department. This is such a tough time for me shopping-wise because I'm a 16. Now that is possibly the worst size to be shopping-wise. It's the top of the "regular" clothes and the bottom of the "plus-size" clothes. Translation - they never have my size. In the women's section, they always have 18W and bigger. In the missus section, I'm lucky to find a 14. In all the styles I looked at today I found 2 16's on the whole 2nd floor. No I didn't look at every rack, but I looked at a lot. So frustrating. One didn't fit, and the other (a white dress) made me look like a ginormous 50's house-wife. Not good.

So I left there trying to explain to the oh-so-skinny, I can wear anything, Holly, why I hate shopping. She doesn't get it, though she tries to be sympathetic.

That's the other thing. She's my matron of honor, and has been pressuring me to go wedding dress shopping for a month and made me commit to tomorrow. I'm totally dreading it. I know I will hate the way I look in any of them. I also know that I can't put it off forever and it doesn't look like I'm losing the weight as planned. Shocker. I really don't want to do it. I'm so excited about the wedding but really feel self conscious about the whole thing. I'd love to be where I was in law school when I felt so confident at 167 - a solid size 10, tall, thin. I let it all go and then some though. I really didn't appreciate it enough.

Grrr.

So this became a rant blog. You can see, now, why it's been almost 2 weeks since I've been on. No good progress to report. That said, I still need to do this. It's theraputic in many ways, even when I'm off track.