Frustration

237.2 Yes. that is not a typo.

I didn't want to write it. I didn't want to see it and I don't want to admit it. After about 4 days off the scales I braved it this morning and the above was my reward. Or punishment rather. Really? Really? I'm in awe and amazement. I cannot believe how absurdly easy it is to gain weight. And no, I haven't been exactly counting calories, but I have been concious of my eating. You know how some days/weeks/ months you just don't care so don't worry about it and don't think about it. I'm not even there, yet the scale keeps climbing higher and higher.

Today a funny situation has brought it all into perspective. I was updating my quicken this morning, looking at recent charges on my amex and found a shockingly wrong charge. Earlier this week, in a moment of weakness, I was craving Taco Bell. So I went there and spent $7.27. If you know taco bell at all you know $7.27 buys a ridiculous amount of food. So yes, I binged. But I paid for it. Multiple times it seems. Today when I saw that charge, I was like - yes, that's right. But the very next charge was for Taco Bell, same day for $72.27. Um. NO. I binged, but I did not eat $72 dollars worth of tacos and chalupas. Now if Amex were to put me on a scale they may beg to differ.

So anyway, I called and disputed the charge and thankfully had the receipt for the proper charge, which they said would make things easier. The woman laughed when I told her there was no way I was eating $72 dollars worth of taco bell. But in reality - this is a good crazy sign. I mean no, I didn't go that overboard, but yes I have gone overboard. And it's time to get it in check.

I've not been quite as bad in the exercise department. I hit the gym on Friday and my own treadmill on Saturday and WILL be going today. But none of the exercises have been as long as I used to be able to go, so not burning as many calories. I know - it will take time. But at least I'm going. That's the first step.

Next is to be HONEST with what I'm putting in my mouth. I said I've been conscious of what I'm eating, but we all know that when we 'guesstimate' we often get it wrong - very wrong. So, starting today I'm back on sparkpeople, logging my calories. I had hoped to be under 220 by Oct. 1. Obviously that failed. New goal - back to 225 by Sept. 1. Ambitious goal, but there it is.

The other thing I've been thinking about (in a self pitious way) is how easy it is for some people to simply maintain their weight. I cannot. If I'm not trying I'm gaining. My husband has been a perfectly healthy 165 since the day I met him. He goes up or down a few pounds depending on the time of year (holidays vs. summertime) but generally there he is. he fits in the jeans he wore 15 years ago. Absurd. Why is it so easy for him?

I know genetics has a lot to do with it along with habits and cravings. But DAMN it sucks.

Oh well, I am who I am and have to deal with my body, my habits, and my cravings. It's just so hard sometimes.