Screw You Scale

Last WI: 224.8/Morning WI: 224.8

Thursday.

Ok. Now I'm just pissed. And hurt and depressed. What the hell. So yesterday I didn't follow my plan 100%, but enough not to deserve this. I ended up staying at work till 7:30. Went home - chugged like a million ounces of water, and went to bed. I was asleep before 11:00. No I didn't hit the treadmill, but NO I didn't eat dinner either. I only started to feel the tiniest bit hungry about 8:30 pm and said - nope. I will not eat again today. I've probably hit my points with that evil sushi buffet, and I need to see a good number on the scale tomorrow. So I went to bed, having last eating about 2:00 pm.

This morning (after getting up no less than 3 times last night to pee - thanks million ounces of water) I jumped on the scale and saw 224.8. What? 3.2 lb gain? Are you freaking kidding me? This is the number I've vowed to record on all my stupid websites and databases? Ok. So I just don't get it. No, I wasn't perfect this week, but I did TRY. More than I've done in over a month. I ran 2 times (again more than over a month). I tracked everything I ate on WW e-tools - even when I went over. And shit - I didn't eat for over 17 hours before WI! WTF? Now when I get sick and don't eat for 17 hours the scale plummets (then rebounds once I start eating). But hell, I didn't even care if it was a "fake" number this morning, so long as it wasn't a 3.2 lb gain! I'm so mad and sad and disappointed and confused.

I feel like the scale just laughs at me as it climbs to nearly new heights. Now my stupid ticker at the top looks like I just started this journey. Oh boy do I wish I had just started this journey. Every day this week the scale creeped up, laughing the whole way....222, ha ha, 223, ha ha ha, 224, ha ha ha ha. Oh - you don't like 224.8? No I didn't, so what did I do - brushed my teeth and then re-hopped. HA HA HA - 225.4. Fine. I'll take 224.8. WTF. Maybe my scale's messed up? That would be too much to hope for.

I've said it a million ways, and I'll say it again. I don't get it. I just don't get it. I didn't expect this fabulous loss - I mean come on, I wasn't perfect. But I didn't expect a "fabulous" gain either.

So - the question remains. What am I going to do about it. Well, a big part of me wants to say FUCK YOU SCALE and just eat whatever I want. Gorge on pizza hut and McDonalds. Say so what if I'm 300 lbs next year. So what.

But I know that won't make me happy either. As I noted yesterday, I am over weight, but I'm not horribly unhealthy. At 300 lbs I'd be horribly unhealthy.

So, I'll try again. I had my stupid 3 pt weight watcher muffin for breakfast. I've packed some snacks (including that apple and orange I so proudly DIDN'T eat yesterday). And I'll try to get through another day. Sad, disappointed and depressed. But I'll get through.

I'll count my blessings, and be happy for a life that, with the exception of weight struggles, is pretty darn good - good job, good family, good man. Stop complaining and keep trying.

Sadly. Disappointedly. We'll leave it at that. Oh - and no sushi buffet...for a long while.

Sodium sodium sodium...

Last WI: 221.6/At home WI: 224.4 (yep.)

WEDNESDAY

Ok, so perfect little girl I was Monday? Went out the window last night. It all started out ok. I was on track for breakfast, then I decided to have sushi for lunch. Well, my favorite sushi place near work has a sushi buffet for lunch. Now I just said the biggest curse word for dieters...buffet.... But I figured - hey - it's a SUSHI buffet - how bad can it be? Well, it wasn't horrible and although I did go back for seconds, they were small plates and I didn't fill them up...totally. Either way - that's a lot of sodium. Because of course I dip every cute little piece into soy-sauce and wasabi. So that's what a blame this morning's weight on. It could also be the late afternoon/evening snacks (all 100 pt snacks, but when you have 5 of them it defeats the purpose), or the chicken breast (w/o skin!) mashed potatoes and mac & cheese from KFC on the way home. Or the no exercise - it was an off day remember? Ah...how they all add up. Grrrr..

Oh - and my cute little mantra? Turns out I don't always answer the question correctly. What's more important, KFC or going to bed a bit hungry because your already over in points....I chose KFC. I said, eh, I'm fat. I'll always be fat. Might as well be comfortable (i.e. not hungry). Bad little devil speaking there. So, as to be expected, the cute little mantra was not the magic cure. Long term discipline is the (not so) magic cure. Just have to keep trying I guess.

Today I was ok for breakfast, but not as ok for lunch - I guess I didn't get enough sushi yesterday because I went back today. More sodium... But frankly, there are definitely worse places to eat. I stayed away from the fried rice, and other "dishes" and stuck with sushi rolls. I surely had more than I needed, but for the most part those buggers are only about 1/2 a point each. Now - to finish the day off strong. here's the plan. I'm actually going to work pretty late - at least 8:00 pm. I've got an apple and an orange in my drawer for later when I get munchy. I didn't have my sushi binge lunch until about 1:30 today so I'm definitely not going to be hungry for a while. I'll have my apple/orange. I'll go home around 8:00. I'll get on the treadmill and do my 2+ miles. And I'll go to bed (after chugging copious amounts of water). Let me say that again - I'LL GO TO BED. No late night dinner. I don't need it. And tomorrow is my vowed WI day so we need to mitigate the damages here (fancy lawyer term).

On another sodium related issue. I love salt. I'm totally addicted to it. Whether in the soy sauce form or the plain old grain version, I use a ton of it. I know this is bad as it makes you retain water, and increases risk for high blood pressure, etc. Ok, so I get the first one (and boy did I GET it this morning on the scale) but the second? Not a problem. I have always had very "normal" blood pressure even at my heaviest (not to far from where I am now). And when I'm running, even sporadically, my blood pressure is really low. Not like dangerous low, but healthy low. For example. I've been back on the treadmill for 2 days this week. Yesterday I went to give blood (to get them to stop calling me, I'm 0- and they will not leave me alone when I due). The nurse took my blood pressure and frankly couldn't hold back her surprise when she told me it was 106/66. Now that's low, even for me.

So, although I definitely want to lose weight and will continue, probably forever, to work on it, I think I'm a healthy overweight person. I can run 2 miles, sometimes as much as 4 or 5 and my blood pressure is really low. Is that so bad? If it weren't for image issues, I really don't think I'd be trying to lose weight so bad. Now I'm not saying I couldn't be healthier, I could. But I'm not so bad off, really.

I read this article a few days ago. Although it's very depressing in the sense that it suggests those of us will never be "comfortably" thin, it does imply that over-weight people can be healthy. Of course, it just makes me curse all those "naturally thin" people all the more...

Anyway - I know I'll always battle this. I may never get back down to goal weight. But I also know the day I stop battling will be the first day on my way to 300 lbs. I will always gain if I don't fight it. I love food and self indulgence too much.

So, on with the fight - off to battle...

No reward for hard work today.

Last WI: 221.6/Morning WI; 223.6 (wtf?)

TUESDAY

So, I know weight fluctuates daily based on more than just caloric intake. But I was hoping to see a lower number this morning. I was so good yesterday. Ate exactly my points, plus one of the activity points I earned by running 2 miles/walking .5 yesterday after working late (8:30). So dedicated and so not rewarded. Oh well - we'll do it again and hope for the best tomorrow. Gotta keep pluggin along. I did really well with water and fruits and veggies yesterday too, so all around a good day. Here's to another...

I won't be working out tonight as I think I need a break after two hard pushes on the treadmill. My legs are a little sore and I'd hate to hurt myself after my slackerness the last few months. So today is off to rest, and back at it tomorrow.

So far this morning I've had a balance bar and a banana (total 6 pts) and I'm still starving. I think today is going to be a tough day. I've got to figure out a yummy, filling, low point lunch to keep me going.

Other than that, no new news.

Mantras - Can they work?

Last WI: 221.6/Morning WI: 222.8

MONDAY

Well it's a new week and I haven't done much on the "new years resolution front". It's January 7 and I've really not accomplished much yet. This is supposed to be when people are most motivated, right? Well last night, on my way home from a friend's house, I created a new "mantra" for myself. Well, it's not new, but new to me. The theory is, before I make any health/weight/food related decision I ask the question: What's more important. I.e. What's more important, this meal or being thin? What's more important, watching this TV program or being thin (and working out). Last night it worked. I got home at about 8:30 and hit the treadmill for 30 minutes. Ran a total of 2 miles, walked .5 and burned 425 calories. Not bad. Then I drank lots of water before going to sleep about midnight. So today, for breakfast - I asked the question, and then settled on a 4 point breakfast bar, rather than chick-fil-a on the way in. So far so good. 12 hours in and it's working. Now, will it last? Who knows.

I've come to realize that all losing weight is, is finding the 'tricks' that work. We all have different ones. What motivates one person doesn't another. For me, I just have to find those that work. The first time I did WW it was the newness of it, the calculating (I'm OCD) and the game. Now I've come to the point where I'm too good at cheating. I WI in the morning, see a lower number than I deserve and feel it gives me the justification to eat too much that day. I know I can earn APs at home, so I over-eat during the day "planning" on hitting the treadmill, then I don't. Things like that. No more can I rely on the 'game' because I've instituted cheating into it. (kinda like baseball these days, eh?)

So, now I'm going to try the mantra. I'm still going to do WW because it's a good check for making sure I'm eating enough (surprisingly when I'm "ON" that's an issue) and that I'm not over-estimating things. I just have to make a million little decisions that ultimately boil down to one big one - I'm doing something about this!

On other issues, we went house hunting this weekend and I fell in love with a house on Saturday that I found out on Sunday was under contract. Of course. It's definitely not a bad thing, though because technically I was a bit more than I wanted to spend. So maybe I can be happy with something else. I had a "second favorite" that both Erik and I liked that's still on the table. We're set to look at a bunch more this weekend, so here's hoping.

Other than that, today is a busy day at work. 3 meetings and lots to do.

Hoping for a good day!

House hunting

Last WI: 221.6/At Home WI: 224.0 (beer is evil)

FRIDAY

Well, I finally have work to do. YEAH! Funny how I'm wanting work, being that I'm such a lazy bum. But when my job is on the line (billing is how we're evaluated in part) then I care.

So last night, Erik and I talked about the house shopping issue. I'm really torn about what to do here. As I think I've mentioned, we will be kicked out of our house early this year. Now it's looking like first of April is the likely deadline. That gives me January and February to find a house (considering a 30 day closing). So I'm looking. And I'm frustrated. We found, what we thought, were some great houses back before the holidays. Turns out, it's a gang ridden area. Who knew? So, obviously that's out. Now we're debating between buying intown or OTP (outside the perimeter, as they say locally). There's pluses and minuses to both. Intown is closer to my work, so minimizes my commute. Typically, I work more hours, so this balances things out as he will still likely get home around the same time even with his 45 minute commute. But, his son's mother lives outside the perimeter, sort of near Erik's work, and obviously they split custody a lot. So that's a pain. Also, all my friends are down south of ATL. Granted, I can make new friends, and make an effort to see the old ones, but it's a factor. Of course in-town you get much less house for your money too.

Oddly, Erik is pushing in-town. Which is really weird because he hates traffic, and hates big cities. I keep saying I'm willing to commute if he wants to live suburbs, but he keeps saying no - it'll be easier for you if we live in-town. Odd. I figured I'd be begging for in-town, he'd be pushing suburbs. Instead it's the opposite.

Also, now that we're on a semi-short time frame, and we can really only look on the weekends, I'm ready to start looking. NOW. As in this weekend. But my realtor, whom I made an appointment with before the holidays to look at houses tomorrow, is not responding to my emails. Doesn't she realize in this market, she should be falling all over me? I mean really, how many eager buyers are out there? And I'm a sure thing. I WILL be buying something in the next 3 months. She's got till the end of today then I'm looking for someone else. I know several people who would love my business. It's just odd because this isn't like her. She was very helpful and eager before the holidays. We'll see I guess.

Other than that, all is well. I need to get cracking on the nice little work-out plan I mapped out yesterday...

Highly Paid Internet Surfer.

Last WI: 221.6/At Home WI: 221.6

THURSDAY

I made some goals this week and so far I've kept two out of four. First, I was going to log all my food into my online WW journal every day regardless of how bad I was. Check. (and boy did yesterday look bad...). Second, I vowed to weigh in once a week, at home, on Thursday mornings, and record it online at WW (and here). Check. This morning showed a one pound gain, but considering yesterday's scary number, and my new years binge, I think I can handle that.

Goals three and four haven't gone as smoothly. Goal three - cardio 3 x per week. Goal 4 - strength 1 x per week. Granted I haven't been through a week yet, but so far nill on both. I totally planned to run yesterday (hello - treadmill 30 steps away from the bed...) but slacked. And slacked and slacked. no excuse. Just lazy. Why? Again, no excuse. Grrr.

So I've got to find a way to commit. I had hoped to start training for a half marathon here in Atlanta in March. I can still do it, but need to get my butt in gear NOW. I need to make up a schedule and stick to it. I'm going to do that right after I post this.

As for strength training? i know I need to do more than once a week. But I SOO hate doing it right now that I feel like once a week would be a great success. Maybe I'll go tonight after work....

As for work, I still have nothing to do, but have work on the horizon. I have a 10am meeting tomorrow to pick up a new case, and a 9am meeting on Monday for a current case. I'm also supposed to be hearing from a young partner this afternoon about a project, so there's hope. Meanwhile, I've been a very highly paid internet surfer.

New Year, Same old Goals...

Last WI: 220.6/At Home WI: 224.0 (ick!)

Wednesday

Ok - so I saw 221.8 yesterday and 224 today. Weird. But I was definitely dehydrated yesterday so that probably has something to do with it.

So the holidays were nice. I had my best friend from college - Gloria - in town. She and I are simply put - soul mates. Not in the romantic sense, obviously, but we are just so similar we will be best friends for ever. I met her the first night I moved into my dorm freshman year and we've been instant best friends since. She currently lives in Hawaii and is finishing up her PhD in clinical psychology, but is hoping to move back soon, possibly to Georgia. I'm lucky that I live very close to where most of her family is from, so there's a good chance she'll move here once she starts working. We had a great visit and Erik dropped her off at her grandparents this morning where she'll be spending a few days before flying back to Hawaii.

New years, we went to Holly's for our big party. It was a lot of fun, but I got way too drunk and sometime after midnight got into a cry-fest fight with Erik about why he hasn't proposed yet. So not good. He was wonderful and said all the right things but I hate that I made such a scene. I was pretty gone so I don't remember exactly how many people were still at the party - I'm hoping not too many, it was definitely a good bit after midnight. Oh well - drunken stupidity is a must on occasion it seems...

So, now it's a new year but the same old goals. Lose weight, eat right, exercise...etc.etc. Same as everyone, but I need it more than most since I've let things slip lately.

Back at work today with still nothing to do. I emailed my practice group leader and he said he'd "work on it" and the he's not back till Monday. Great...looks like another slow week... So not good for the bonus I had hoped to get next Christmas.

This weekend Erik and I will be looking at houses again. I'm so depressed about this. I thought it'd be so fun since we have plenty of time and it's such a "buyers market". Well, that's great and all, but I'm still cheap. I don't want to pay 300K + just to live in the city. I want a nice clean 3 - 4 bedroom house for under 200K. With a garage. So much to ask? In this area, apparently so. So who knows. We're supposed to look at some intown houses this weekend, but I know I'm going to be disappointed either in the neighborhood or the house. Here's hoping though...

Other than that, nothing too crazy going on. Still hoping for that call/email saying we've got some work for you... MUST BILL HOURS. lol.